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Coaching is a Solution for Life
Don't Panic, It's Just a Phobia Stressed Out or Chilled Out

Don't Panic - Calming Classes Can Help You Ditch That Phobia
The Joy of Ex

COACHING IS A SOLUTION FOR LIFE
Limited Edition

LIFE coaching may sound like the latest quirky idea to cross the Atlantic from the States, but in fact it is proving extremely successful with people who need help in choosing a direction in their lives.

Psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, Gill Coleby, is also a qualified life coach. She explained it is similar to psychotherapy, but different although both are designed to empower the individual and make them work better.

In a consulting room at her Coleby Centre in Station Road, Sidcup, she ably demonstrated her skill in making people feel at ease while explaining the philosophy behind life coaching. She said: "It is very specific - if people want to achieve something but don't want to go into therapy and yet are stuck for an idea of how to go about it, life coaching may be what they need. It is very dynamic - it is about now and the future, never the past.

"It is all about getting the individual to take a specific action until they achieve their goal. It may be something very simple or more involved but each move forward is gradual, taking the person to goals they feel they can achieve one at a time."

The one-to-one relationship between the individual and the life coach is very flexible which is why it is so appealing. The two do not have to meet face to face and most sessions are conducted either on the telephone or on the Internet.

Gill said: "It is very simple which is why it works; that's the beauty of it. It allows people to focus exactly on what they want to achieve and lets them do it for themselves."

She said people often find there is something absolutely wonderful about having someone's focus their entire attention on you and also being able to achieve a goal -no matter what it is.

"Sometime with life coaching you do get people who don't know what they want and so you look at their life as a whole and get them to define what they are doing, what they enjoy getting into and. if that is what they want - it may be a relationship, work or family ... or something else personal to them."

She added: "It is very structured with an incisive form of questioning. One of the skills of a life coach is to listen in an informed way. It is also a discipline because the client has to be by the phone at a particular time for their appointment and then make notes of the things to be discussed and to be worked on.

"I get the client to the point of knowing where they are and then set a goal and then make it specifically real and realistic for that person. We then look at all the options and the will of that person to make it happen."

Sessions last for half-an-hour once a week or fortnight, depending on the individual. The cost is £40 for half-an-hour which has to be paid in advance to ensure the person is committed to the session.

Gill has been life coaching for the past year and has been a psychotherapist for 11 years. She is enthusiastic about life coaching, which first appeared in the US about 13 years ago, having started out as performance coaches for sports and now covers all areas of life. However, she is a little concerned because anyone can set up in business as a life coach as there are no regulations.

She advised potential clients to look for those who have been trained at The Life Coaching Academy, which is the biggest trainer in this country, and there are also many psychotherapists who do NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) who have life coaching as part of their skill base.

Gill concluded: "Everyone has the potential to be happy and successful, they just don't always know it. People underestimate themselves when they are stuck in a situation they do not like. It is my job to help them release that potential."

Contact the Coleby Centre for further details or to arrange a consultation.

DON'T PANIC, IT'S JUST A PHOBIA
Limited Edition

By Jean May

One in ten of us will have debilitating anxiety or a phobia at some point in our lives. Phobias affect people of all ages, from all walks of life, and in every part of the country. Whether it’s a curb stone, a shirt button or a rice pudding, someone, somewhere, is afraid of it. JEAN MAY reports.

A phobia is mainly an irrational fear that is out of proportion to the subject. A person with a phobia has intense symptoms of anxiety such as sweating, muscle tension, breathing heavily, dizziness, faintness, or diarrhoea. Typically phobic responses are instantaneous responses to a particular situation or stimulus. Other fear responses, generally known as anxiety, develop more slowly over a period of minutes or hours.

Some people are frightened of a specific stimulus - this is called a specific phobia, such as fear of heights, spiders, ladders etc. Some people have intense fear of a number of stimuli - this is called a complex phobia. For example when someone is phobic of flying, they may be afraid of dying, of losing control, of drowning, crashing, enclosed spaces. Another category is known as social phobias. This means the fear of what might happen when in the company of other people. This includes agoraphobia and panic attacks.

Psychotherapist Gill Coleby says the list of phobias is endless. If it exists a person can develop a phobia of it. She says: “In private practice I have seen hundreds of different types of phobias, ranging from a fear of street kerbs to rice pudding and drawing pins, but often panic attacks and phobias are experienced without that person seeking help.

“Many people just accept they have a phobia and avoid that situation for years. More serious phobias can mean a person has to avoid almost all situations and contact to try to control feeling that degree of fear.” Most often phobias will tend to become generalised and begin to disturb a person’s experience of living. What started off as a fear of spiders, can become a fear of any insects, of anything that moves quickly, of any animal and so on.

“The most common phobia I have seen is the fear of flying,” says Gill. "If, for example, someone is afraid of losing control whilst flying, it is actually quite easy for them to completely change that response to flying, even to the point of enjoying the experience. The fear of losing control won’t necessarily have been dealt with unless that person chooses to work through it.”

One of Gill’s clients was phobic of steps in the street. As he was walking down the street he would come up to a kerb or step of some kind and his perception became completely distorted, so that he felt as though he were climbing up or down a mountain. He literally felt like a child in the middle of Oxford Street. He was, and still is, a barrister and though he tried to work from home, he obviously needed to be in court.

The phobia was triggered one day when he was under terrible stress - at work and at home. The pressures of work were piling up and his wife was pregnant with twins. “I believe he had an anxiety attack on his way into work one day and experienced this sense of terrifying fear associated with the curb where he fell,” said Gill. “It rapidly generalised over the following years.” In this man’s case, changing his internal representations meant he no longer reacted to kerbs or steps, and then he had to deal with his levels of stress and anxiety.

“Actually he did have problems learning to walk - he remembers feeling totally unsupported and terrified. One time he toddled off and got completely lost until his mother found him. But the trauma and terror of that experience and the feeling of being on his own and unsupported, coupled with an overambitious lifestyle and an inadequate set of skills to deal appropriately with stress, was a phobia waiting to happen.” It is absolutely possible, and fairly common, to work with someone who has a specific phobia and they become completely oblivious to what had been the stimulus for their phobia. What used to terrorise them becomes so normal and ordinary it’s not really worth noticing.

But it is also very common that a phobia is just a set of symptoms that indicate a much deeper trauma or a profound lack of confidence in the structure of the personality. Even in these cases, change can occur, although it will take a longer process. Some people have a much greater propensity, even from birth, to experience greater anxiety, panic and depression.

Treatment, combined with NLP (neuro linguistic programming - a form of cognitive behavioural therapy) and hypnosis, can be hugely successful in 95 per cent of specific phobias, Gill says. “Many people have been through some horrible experiences. Experiences I wish no one had to go through. When things like this have happened to people I am so very glad when they seek help to assist them in getting beyond the terror of these events. No-one has to, or deserves to, live with it for the rest of their lives.”

WEIRD phobias

• Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
• Bogyphobia - Fear of the bogeyman
• Clinophobia - Fear of going to bed
• Ergophobia- Fear of work
• Geliophobia- Fear of laughter
• Helmintophobia- Fear of being infested with worms
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words
• Linonophobia- Fear of string
• Panophobia - Fear of everything
• Peladophobia- Fear of bald people
• Triskaidekaphobia - Fear of the number 13
• Xanthophobia - Fear of the colour yellow

Contact the Coleby Centre for further details or to arrange a consultation.

STRESSED OUT OR CHILLED OUT?
News Shopper

By Jean May

Research shows us that stress now accounts for more time off work than the common cold and costs the UK £10bn a year.

Health and Safety Commission (HSC) figures issued in December reveal an estimated 32.9 million working days were lost due to illness, of which 13.4 million were attributed to stress, anxiety or depression. An estimated 563,000 people were affected by stress and in the last 12 months there were 265,000 new cases.

HSC Chairman Bill Callaghan said: "Stress seems to be endemic in modern society, both inside and outside the workplace - and the rate of increase in recent years has been considerable. The key to reversing the upward trend is to avoid stress in the first place. The Health and Safety Executive (HSE) has already provided guidance to employers and we have a number of initiatives in place to get to grips with the problem."

Some employers are taking the current situation very seriously indeed and setting up relaxation zones for staff.

Herman Bynke, of stress management specialists Hela, installs these zones consisting of multi-programme reclining electric massage armchairs with soothing music via headphones. Herman says they can't solve the problem completely but they can improve performance and achieve lower absenteeism.

Counsellors and psychotherapists say the effects of divorce, separation, work, money, drugs, addictions, and concerns about children bring people into therapy exhausted, depressed and with endless ailments as a result of lowered immune systems due to stress and pressure.

Gill Coleby, a psychotherapist at The Coleby Centre in Sidcup, which specialises in healthcare for the mind and body, says the problem is not so much the situation itself, but the way we deal with, and respond to, it.

"All too often expectations are created by unrealistic goals," she said. "Too little time, not enough money, and overly ambitious targets mean not enough energy and attention is put into our relationships and our health. To try to cure stress we need to examine our expectations, and decide what is really important in our lives. When we find ourselves juggling each different aspect of our lives - our work, families, friends etc. we often find that, in order to keep all the balls in the air, we compromise the most straightforward and practical ways we have of achieving well-being for ourselves. Many of us make solemn vows to ourselves about improving our lives, knowing that we can reap great benefits to our health and daily productivity by doing so, only to dismiss them because we feel we haven't the time or are too busy to carry them out," said Gill.

WHAT IS STRESS?

There are two types of stress. One is positive, one is not. We all need a little 'spice' to keep us stimulated and interested in the world around us. Without that spark, life would soon lose its colour. As a positive influence, stress can compel us into action, it can bring an exciting new perspective. Our daily responses to change or surprise are stress responses. When we become excited, the hormone adrenaline turns on our alertness, helping us to focus on the event in hand. Therefore, in straightforward, everyday circumstances there is certainly nothing harmful about its effects.

Most of the time, however, when we talk of stress, we describe distress, the feelings we experience when tension is consistently high and adrenaline has been taking effect over a sustained period of time. So, as a negative influence, it can result in feelings of distrust, rejection, anger and depression, which in turn can lead to physical and emotional health problems.

ELIMINATE DISTRESS

Positive stress adds excitement to life, and we all thrive under a certain amount of stress, so to eliminate stress would leave us feeling bored or dejected. The point at which healthy stress becomes distress varies for each of us. It is often not external events that make us feel overloaded or ill, but the way in which we cope with them. It is something that you can face and overcome, all that is needed is some perspective.

MANAGING STRESS

Make a list of events you believe have raised your stress levels recently, writing your concerns down will help you to clarify them in your mind. Perhaps a challenging boss has put you under extra pressure? Or your difficult teenage son or daughter has been particularly unco-operative this week? It is just as important to discern the relatively minor occurrences that cause you anxiety as well as the major ones.

How do you react to these situations? Is there anything practical you can do about them? Can you look for a new job? Or ask another family member to talk to your teenager? Stress is an enemy, but it is within your power to defeat it.

One of the most common responses to stress is to "bury our heads in the sand." However, without proper release, tension builds up in our muscles and our minds, making us stiff and inflexible, physically and mentally, and therefore more prone to stress. Dealing with stress requires positive action and only once we have removed the built-up layers of stress in our current lives can we look at ways of maintaining inner peace. Begin by making a conscious effort to slow down. Even if you are in an environment where deadlines need to be met, try to create an action plan for time management.

Taking time out to have a break during times of stress is an effective way of renewing our energy. By developing a strategy for relaxation, so that we can guide ourselves into calm, we will be able to relax in even the most difficult of situations. Slow, deep breathing will bring your heart rate back to normal.

Gill sums up: "Looking after yourself is a good way to combat stress. Eat well-balanced healthy meals, take regular exercise and avoid too many stimulants such as nicotine and excessive caffeine. Take time to develop mutually supportive relationships and friendships. The quality of our time, how well we sleep and what we eat and drink form the foundations that hold up the rest of our lives, and set the levels of healthiness at which we live."

Hela Stress Management specialists: 01628 405154 http://www.hela.co.uk

Contact the Coleby Centre for further details or to arrange a consultation.

DON'T PANIC - CALMING CLASSES CAN HELP YOU DITCH THAT PHOBIA
The Sun

DO you panic at the thought of setting foot on a plane? Then it's time to get help. There are several companies which run fear of flying courses, including Virgin Atlantic and Cambridge-based Virtual Aviation.

The Virtual Aviation course is not cheap at £575 a session but you do get an individual lesson in a simulator with a pilot. Virgin Atlantic's Flying Without Fear courses cost £129 for a one-day group session, with customers talking through their fears with a pilot and a psychologist. But when the fear is actually a phobia, the sufferer will not be cured by hearing a rational explanation of their concerns.

Psychotherapist Gill Coleby, from Kent, explains that with a phobia of flying the person involved usually has an exaggerated fear of losing control. She says: "They imagine they are dangling in the air. With nothing holding them up. They think they are going to die. So they have a total fear response in their body - they may hyperventilate, their pulse races, pupils dilate and they want to urinate more.”

Gill, who works in Sidcup's Coleby Therapy Centre, says fear of flying is probably the biggest category of phobia they deal with. "Sometimes it is linked to a general fear of losing control and this needs to be treated differently. But when it is a simple phobia of flying, we break it down into chunks and use a method called NLP, which stands for Neuro-linguistic Programming."

Gill explains that NLP is a kind of conscious hypnosis. "For example, say that when a person gets on a plane they have a picture in their mind of it crashing. We get them to go through the picture, look at how close-up it is, is it in colour, are there sounds? Then they rewind and go back through it, changing it - like making colour black and white. In this way they scramble the picture their brain is unconsciously sending when they think about flying."

If it is a sound people are scared of, Gill might make them imagine it getting louder and louder until it bursts and goes away. She also uses another method called anchoring. This is where the person uses an "anchor" to take them mentally to a place or a time when they felt safe and happy.

It might be a song they can play or a word that can trigger it. Deeper hypnosis works in a similar way to this. But according to Gill most patients prefer to feel more conscious when they are working through their phobia. Some will opt for a deeper, more finance-like hypnosis where they are given a suggestion that when they get on a plane they will not be scared.

Gill says: "Different people want different things but I would say we are 99 per cent successful with our clients.”

Whether you are taking a course for a fear or being treated for a phobia, there are also things you can do on the flight to keep yourself calm. Common relaxation techniques such as deep breathing really help - especially because concentrating on breathing takes your mind off your fears.

You can also listen to relaxation tapes and use your own form of anchoring - imagining yourself in a calming place. However severe your fear is, rest assured there is a way of dealing with it. You just have to be willing to take action.

Contact the Coleby Centre for further details or to arrange a consultation.

THE JOY OF EX
Sunday Mail

It was always a stormy pairing - but it now looks like football star Paul Gascoigne and his ex-wife Sheryl are an item again. The Everton star splashed out £1000 on a Valentine's night treat in an exclusive Manchester hotel. The couple wined and dined in a luxury suite, complete with its own butler, before Gazza showered Sheryl with gifts, including a dozen red roses.

But he's by no means the first celebrity looking for that ex-factor. Elvis' daughter Lisa Marie Presley last week called off her romance with Oscar-winner Nicolas Cage and returned to ex-hubby Danny Keough. Lord Of The Dance Michael Flatley and Gladiator star Russell Crows have also been spotted with their lost loves, Lisa Murphy and Danielle Spencer.

But is splitting up really the answer to shocking a fading relationship back to life? According to new research, the answer is - yes. The study, in the United States, found that lovers who reunite after years apart enjoy more successful relationships. They also found that people who rekindle passion with their first loves are 76 per cent more likely to stay together - almost double the rate of the rest of us.

Professor Nancy Kalish, of California State University, who conducted the research, said: "Perhaps absence really does make the heart grow fonder."

Of the 1000 people who took part in the survey, older couples reckoned their increased maturity, and the thought they had rediscovered a soulmate, were the reasons for success. We challenged psychotherapist Gill Coleby to put five star couples on the couch to find out if love will bloom, second time around.

Gill, who is based in Sidcup, Kent, specialises in relationship counselling. As director of the Coleby Centre, she helps people transform their lives through mind and body therapies. She believes a lot of people go back to ex-lovers because it conjures up feelings of security.

She said: "There are many unconscious motivations in going back to an ex. Very often there is a feeling of unfinished business. When needs don't get met the first time around, and we haven't addressed the issue in ourselves, this leaves us open for a second round.''

Gill says there are some people who cannot handle being single. She added: "Human beings are habit makers. We are prone to doing the same thing over and over, just because it's comfortable.''

Gill says there are four main reasons why relationships fail - poor communication, thwarted intentions, unfulfilled expectations and people who interfere. But second-chance success only happens when you learn from mistakes of the first encounter. Gill added: "Both parties and the relationship have to have changed somewhere. It isn't enough to say sorry and carry on in the same way.

"If a couple split and really work at understanding what made the relationship fail, then raising their awareness and developing their skills at being in a relationship forms an excellent platform to build on."

DEFINITELY MAYBE

Who: Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer.

First meeting: Gladiator star Russell and Home And Away actress Danielle met when they starred together in 1990 film, The Crossing. They became an item 12 months later.

Him on her: "Danielle's head is not turned by fame. She is very grounded and a good match for me."

Her on him: "Russell and I have a special relationship. People get the wrong idea about him but he is actually very gentle, intelligent and loving.”

Reason for split: Work commitments drove them apart after five years when Crowe moved to Los Angeles to pursue his film career.

Ex factor: The two have remained friendly - it was Danielle who Russell turned to after his messy split from Meg Ryan.

Gill's verdict: A definite maybe. Russell has said he regrets not paying more attention to his relationship with Meg Ryan. Maybe that has caused a change in his values. Perhaps now he will be able to prioritise his relationships as highly as his career.

GAZZA NEED HELP

Who: Paul and Sheryl Gascoigne.

First meeting: In a wine bar, 11 years ago.

Him on her: "The only thing I regret was when I hit Sheryl and that is the only thing I would change."

Her on him: "I know he's emotional and likes to mull things over before he talks about them, but he is one of the most generous men."

Reason for split: Before they were married, they split up at least half a dozen times and twice broke off their engagement. The final straw came when Gazza beat up Sheryl in a room at Gleneagles Hotel.

Ex factor: Since their divorce, they have been seen together on numerous occasions, most recently their Valentine night at the five-star Lowry hotel in Manchester.

Gill's verdict: I would never recommend anyone to rekindle a relationship that has become violent. Men who have been violent need a lot of professional help, Sheryl also needs to examine why she allowed the situation to go on for so long.

HOLLYWOOD SOULMATES ARE LIKE SISTER AND BROTHER

Who: Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley.

First meeting: Their romance began when they starred in the 1987 flop, Rowing In The Wind.

Him on her: "She's the nuttiest and messiest person in the world. Apart from anything else, we are really good friends."

Her on him: "I absolutely worship him. I would have dinner with Hugh every night."

Reason for split: Sex - or lack of it - became an issue after US police caught Hugh with a prostitute on Sunset Boulevard. Hugh later admitted that Liz hadn't fancied him for years, although she said splitting from Hugh was "like amputating my left arm."

Ex factor: The couple are still partners in their production company, Simian Films. Although Steve Bing is the father of her unborn baby, Liz has vowed Hugh will have a big part in raising the child.

Gill’s verdict: Highly unlikely, from the outside looking in, they have always seemed more like brother and sister - there is no sexual chemistry there, Liz has a powerful sexual presence which would probably be high maintenance - possibly too high for Hugh.

MILLIONAIRE TO VAIN

Who: Michael Flatley and Lisa Murphy.

First meeting: The Lord Of The Dance star met model Lisa in 1999 at a Dublin nightclub. They spent much of their time at Flatley's £10 million Castlehyde mansion just outside Fermoy, County Cork.

Him on her: "I am at a stage in life where I have found the perfect person. I would love to have children with Lisa. She is an incredible lady."

Her on him: "He is the love of my life."

Reason for split: Flatley ended the romance last March. Lisa, 29, was reported to be devastated when they went their separate ways.

Ex factor: The couple were spotted larking around in Barbados on holiday.

Gill's verdict: No chance. A man living in a £10 million castle who believes he has the 'perfect person'? With that kind of grandiose expectation, how can a truly loving relationship survive? I would hope Lisa moves on and is able to meet someone who wants to be with her because she is a living, breathing person and not just a perfect princess.

JUST LET THE PAST GO

Who: Matt Goss and Martine McCutcheon

First meeting: The former EastEnder and ex-Bros star were first spotted kissing and canoodling at a string of top London nightspots in 1998.

Him on her: "I've known her for years and she's a fantastic girl. We really click.”

Her on him: "Matt is decent and loyal and I don't know why other men can't be like him."

Reason for split: Matt, 34, moved to LA after Bros broke up, while Martine stayed in London to concentrate on her acting and pop career.

Ex factor: Matt was the first person Martine turned to after she learned her last boyfriend, James Mason, had been cheating on her. They have since been snapped strolling arm-in-arm around Beverly Hills.

Gill’s verdict: Possible. But Martine sounds like she is angry with someone else. It will be good for her to see someone she knows, and who is happy to see her while she is in LA. But love can't develop if you haven't let go of the past.

Contact the Coleby Centre for further details or to arrange a consultation.